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LAST UPS

The All-Time Worst Rhubarb
By Mikhail Horowitz

It all started when Al McBean
beaned Ed Head. In the ensuing
melee, Rollie Fingers chipped a
couple of bones, and Ricky Bones
mashed a few fingers; Elroy Face
got kicked in the cock, and Pete
LaCock took a nasty cut on the
face. Bobby Wine smashed a bottle
over Matt Batts, who took a swing
at Danny Heep, who collapsed in
one. Bill Hands broke his foot;
Barry Foote fractured his hands.
Enos Slaughter did nothing to stop
the carnage. Jim Hearn had a heart
attack; Jim Ray Hart sustained a
hernia. As a consequence of
multiple injuries, Don Gullett
required throat surgery, Woody
Held lost his grip, and Heinie
Groh was permanently stunted.
Bob Cain remains disabled, Ben
Grieve is still weeping, and
don't even ask what happened
to Jermaine Dye.

—EFQ

MIKHAIL HOROWITZ is a senior editor at Total Sports and author of Big League Poets (City Lights, 1978), as well as a contributor to many outré baseball anthologies.

© 2000 Mikhail Horowitz

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